new skin

So, i had a little bit of a meltdown yesterday,the likes of which we haven't seen in a while around here. Maybe its because its freaking 50 degrees out and its June, maybe its because my tomato plants keep getting monched by deer, maybe its because my little girl will be in all day kindergarten next year and theres a part of me that wants to cry because of what that means, maybe its because of the part of me that wants to celebrate because of what that means, maybe its also that my little boy turned 8 ( and 8 just seems to be one of those milestones), maybe i'm seeing how fleeting our time is together and it is sharp and all those times of yelling stab at me when i think of how quickly this is going by and why did i waste any minutes being angry? Maybe its because i forget over and over and have to remember it over and over. Maybe its also that I am scared and excited and stressed about this summer, maybe its the mix of being amazed and grateful for all the shows i got into, the galleries lining up, and the fear that i won't live up to this. Maybe its that i'm not medicated, but caffeinated.
Whatever it is/was, my heart cracked and my mind sunk down into it and there was nothing but the blurry sharpness of emotion running through my body. I even threw things. Wonderful patient Scott suggested i go do something, take a nap, a walk, something (so that he could fix the things i threw!). I lay down and couldn't think, couldn't know what i should do to get the thick out of my blood. And then it came shooting through and i knew. The thing i had been wanting to do that somehow today needed to be done. The forever reminder painted on my body of this precious chaotic time of my life. Reminding me how fleeting and ferocious childhood is, and how I am so lucky to get to experience it again by being near Maia and Stella. How lucky I am to get the opportunity to love them and learn from them, and if i'm worth my weight, teach them something useful.
So i went, the sharpness of my emotions were a perfect match to the sharpness of the needle, and when it was all over I cried, because there was a piece of the puzzle put into place. It's not so much about what it is on the outside of me, but about how what's on the inside is playing itself out in my life. And I'm so very lucky to have such nice creatures to constantly show me the things i overlook.




Stella's rendition of she and maia, drawn when she was 4, i know we were living at the Guerrier Rd house. She's on my Left.
Maia's original Nice Monster. Drawn when he was 4, going to the Community School. He's on my right.
I Heart My Creatures!